internalizing pressure

doesn't help at all.

today i had a good conversation with one of my best friends. there were times when the conversation was silent, when neither of us seemed to know what to say, but it wasn't uncomfortable.

i've been realizing, though, how much i've changed. i used to care so much about making everyone else happy, being courteous, being nice. this past year i've stopped caring, started being more blunt, and now i'm just a bitter person. i don't feel good about myself, i feel alone a lot. i fall too hard and then i hate because hating makes the pain go away.

my friend finally brought it up to me: "you hate on him a lot". it was, to be cliche, such a slap in the face. why am i such a hypercritical person when i really have nothing to complain about? i don't want to be this way anymore.

i finally thought i was opening up to people, but it turns out i was just letting out words of rancor and hurt. this, i suppose, explains my feelings that nobody really wants to spend time with me. i'm just undesirable as a friend.

please try to understand. i don't do it on purpose. the emotions build up and i cry because i'm not worth your time, and sometimes i just can't be mature about it.